I left the church, the whys are a conglomeration of things. I am seventeen and change approaching eighteen and I had come to the conclusion God and me did not mix and could not mix. I was outside the conditions in which it was said God would love me. I already had this strained relationship with this supposed being who loved but judged all things and people, most of all people like me. I had a couple of major things against me. However, religion and the Kingdom Hall was all I knew. These dogmatic teachings were inculcated into my mind and very being. It was second nature for me to "educate" someone about the biblical verses and from a lens by which the watchtower strongly influenced. I found myself in a very odd position as a young teen. My parents had decided to move and in the process had stayed with my aunt for a week or two. I knew of all things I was not going to live back with my parents I could no longer keep this as an option. I approached my aunt and asked if I could live with her for a bit until I got my own place. I asked her what my cousin paid and offered to pay double that. She of course talked it over with her husband and it was agreed upon that I could stay.
Funny thing is during the course of us staying at my aunts house my mom has seen apparitions and felt the presence of something she claimed was dark. I could not say I saw what she saw but one night when I had come in and laid on the make shift bed of blankets and sheets made for me, as my aunt accommodated a whole other family in her house. I kept feeling the bed thump to my left shake and then I felt a smooth recurrent wind by my face as if someone or something was waving their hand in front of my face. I noticed each time the air by my face switched the bed thumped. My mother was mumbling and praying telling whatever it was to leave her alone and get out of the room. I asked her what was wrong she said the spirits were messing with the bed, and I was spooked as I was able to see underneath the bed clearly as my face was perfectly level with it and I couldn't see a thing but felt the rushing breeze as some force shook the bed. IT stopped shortly afterwards. Even with that episode I decided I rather take my chances staying in my aunts house than living with my parents.
My first night in the house by myself I was sleeping on the couch and I was falling asleep and nodding out. My aunt had a cat at the time who would of course use the late hours of the evening to play and run around the house to expend energy. Well the cat was sitting on it hind legs with his paws up tapping at the air as he played.. as I nodded off and my eyelids became heavier something took shape in front of the cat. It was a hairless small impish creature who was sitting on the opposite end of the couch playfully tapping back at the cat... I bolted up in shock and stifled a scream. My cousin heard me and ran out of her room, to check I told her what I saw. She laughed it off and went back to her room and I stood up that night until I couldn't fight sleep no longer and it overtook me.
Next even in that house was a shared experience. Me and my cousin worked at one of the local hospitals and would come home a little after 11pm stay up until 2am and then go to sleep. This particular night we stood up talking and decided we were too tired to move from our seats. Me on the couch and her on the recliner out.. well she got up and turned off the light over the computer desk in the living room and went back to the recliner. Once she settled back in her seat the light turned back on. At this point we looked at each other a little spooked. She got back up and turned it off again and on her way back to the recliner it turned back on. She sat back in the recliner as though it may have been a bastion of safety for her. The spirits had another agenda however, to prove their presence they decided to shake her recliner with the intensity of a small earth quake. My cousins eyes opened wide as did mine.. she got up and looked at me and said, so you want to sleep in my bed. I quickly responded yes and that was how we shared the bed the remainder of our time living together.
My cousin, my fellow Cancerian who was only one year and two days younger than me was my twin. She felt and saw what I felt and saw most times or was aware. We were often in synch and I was glad to have someone validate my experiences in which I would have felt crazy had I experienced them alone. I was always plagued as I mentioned in my second memoir essay, with sleep paralysis. One particular night I was being plagued by the heavy feeling which kept me in place and scared witless as I found myself unable to move. MY cousin heard my moans and turned over to shove me when she said she saw something cloudlike hovering over me and when she shrieked it vanished and that's when I came too with full mobility.
During these few years I stood with my cousin and aunt I fought severe depression. I had no sense of spirituality and one thing I knew about my cousin was that she was Wiccan. She was open about it and had pentagrams, smudging bundles, athames, and various other craft books. She often invited me to cast circle with her and raise energy but I had too much fear in what the church had placed in my psyche which caused me to object anything other than what I had. MY cousin was patient and would still invite me, and one day realization hit me. If God did not love me anyway and was not there for me I had nothing to lose in trying something new. The old way obviously did not work, maybe a new way would.
Casting circle was peaceful, it was abuzz with energy that charged the air with in the circle. You could feel the atmosphere change and crackle with energy as spell work was done until it was all released when the circle was taken down and closed.
This led to us taking a class in Sayville where we learned form two coven leaders who taught metaphysics through a wiccan lens, and craft work. It opened my mind to connecting to the Divine through the elements and the various archetypes of deities as they exist in various pantheons. This opened my mind back up to the possibility that God or a source of power existed that was operating in all things and maybe it was less of this man in the sky who was all powerful and so vengeful. A Mary H, owner of the shop at the time would often discuss southern root work with me because she said she felt I had a knack for it. She read me with a tarot deck in her shop one day and told me to not fear my gift and to tap into my Cancerian intuition and allow myself to see and feel what I have closed myself off too in fear. She told me at around or near 30 I would shift and find something totally different than what I am even learning about now. She said she saw me all in white with beads and I would either be a mambo/hougan or a Santero. I opposed all of that and could not believe she could suggest such a thing, I would never worship the Devil or kill animals in a basement. How ignorant I was then believing I was still above these "other ways" I had closed myself off too haughtily as if I had no been judged and castoff from the very church who taught me these very thoughts.
I at least knew at this point spirit existed and it did not have to be a bad thing but an energy we could call upon and or manipulate to some degree when raising energy that helped the other elementals feed the desired intent and result we put into the universe through craft work. Something shifted in me in regards to spirit and how I could now deal with my interaction with it/them better. I could walk unafraid to a degree with a new mindset and knowledge regarding that unseen realm. How good to know I could have a handle on things and I was powerful enough to protect myself if I so choose.
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