Wednesday, March 15, 2017

To have and to Get #52essays week 11

I was always taught the differences on the need and wants by my father at an early age. He made a point to draw a full diagram an idea he got from a psychiatrist I had to see no a trial error by school mandate. Once he got a hold of this diagram he got creative and decided to damn near point out every single thing in the house and/or in my room that I had the "luxury" of utilizing in which were all privileges and wants. The needs were the main top necessities he was required by law to provide me with, which were a roof over my head, access to education, food, and general wealth by way of pediatrician. Looking back at his methods I appreciate the Petty he embodied by such displays, anything to drive the point home. And trust and believe me you are very tit for tat and petty-licious when you can claim Cancerian zodiac sign as your own.

The emphasis on bare necessities caused a shift in my desires to attain anything for myself that I would want to have. I convinced myself I did not require certain things and therefore did not need to get them. This had effected my wardrobe of all things in a particular way. I would never get more than a pair of jeans or shirt depending on the sale at the time and if I did I wore the hell out of those jeans and shirt until seems popped and worn holes formed from constant washing. I would never get more than one pair of sneakers but wear out the one pair very well until seems busted and tongues talked, before I even considered buying a new pair. It became a mantra, if I came upon something I wanted.

"Do I really need this"

The answer to follow would be, hell nah. Off I would go with no purchase made at all in my favor.

The above paired with low self image, even when I did have money I felt fear to purchase some things. I would be shamed to by certain food in public, things like chips, or candy, or Entenmanns cakes. I just convinced myself someone was watching me and judging me on how I eat which reflected my weight. When it came to clothes I had this love hate relationship with fashion. Nothing I liked would fit me. It was very clear in the world of fashion that I could only dress in limitation. There were no options for me so I avoided so many stores many of my friends shopped at.

It was not until recently when I my partner had encouraged me to go into Guess, a store I never would even dream of shopping in and who hardly ever had anything that fit me unless it was socks or a watch. I have recently changed by diet and incorporated some exercise into my life routine and as a result some weight loss has occurred. I saw this beautiful light gray jacket that could be my light-wear jacket for when it gets warmer. While my Boo was perusing the store giving me much time to kill, I braved the dressing room and mirror and tried on the jacket. IT FIT! It JUST fit, but it fit! I know a few more pounds off and I could rock this thing.

It was not until then a grand epiphany hit me.. I never bought anything I considered too stylish because I assumed it didn't fit someone like me. I was no the Ambercrombie and Fitch looking type, I was by no means fitting into Calvin Klein anything but I had set up a feeling and mindset of unworthiness around my fashion which on some level defined my look. How crazy is that?! The things we bring over from childhood and allow to stick in our brains.

I will be rocking some of these in the near future and feeling thick and cute. This is a necessity. My partner who is a professional shopper, encouraged me to not forget that we work hard and we bust our ass and there is nothing at all wrong with investing in ourselves and our desires. Look at his Guru ass! Appreciate him for it.


Well since then I have bought shoes I would never wear and I been trying on clothes with wild abandon and zero Fucks. I am challenging every thought about myself I can identify as untruth.

Until next time guys.

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