Old skin

I come and I go and I have been adorning a coat sewn with PRIDE, and worn with GRACE. The style is CONFIDENCE, the material is HAPPINESS. Its just a coat, a garment that can be cast aside, and it is.
I enter my home, hung up is my coat and I slip into an old shirt of INADEQUACY, a depressing piece of material. Holey, flawed, dingy with experiences, stained with residual heartache. This shirt is comfortable, its too familiar. I know I should throw it away and probably put on my coat again, but I cant. This old shirt fits me all too well, its like stepping into old worn familiar skin. The shirt and skin Ive known for so long. I got it sometime during childhood. It was washed only in the water of my tears, it bears my scent my essence.
Why is it so hard for me to let this go or take this garment off? Why is it still safely tucked away into my closet or in my drawer? Why does it still have such a place in my life?
Is it because it reminds me of days past? Being a child and not knowing why I was crying? Inconsolable? Happy running and climbing trees with the boys, reading comics just to go home and retreat to the corner of my room or hidden under the covers listening to the sounds of Music the only thing I understood, understand. The only thing that helped sooth me when I felt this way....
Now I am doing the very thing I love and still underneath my Glorious coat I still seem to wear the same old shirt, not yet ready or confident to be truly naked...

Sleep?

You think I sleep? Well that's none way of putting it....
When my eyes shut and my consciousness slips, I am traveling across worlds going on a midnight rendezvous.
You think I wake up with a dry mouth from sleeping with my mouth open, nah.... I have travelled the desserts to find my people. I have found a village of ebony sun kissed people, regal and royal in their different shapes and sizes, wise in their different ages, beautiful in their different but brilliant dark shades. I danced by the bon fires wearing ceremonial masks, I danced ancient dances of my people. Dances which held a purpose, giving up control letting spirit move you, ripple through you like a rock thrown into a pond.
I am singing and calling on the names of several different ancestors and spirits who come to my aid and dance along side me.
You think I am rotating in my bed to get comfortable? Nah.... I am swaying to the rhythm of drums. Rotating, spinning fiercely in a circle, my view caught up in a dizzy haze.... My head is thrown back I am laughing both hands on my hips shoulders moving in time with my hips.
You think I am grumpy because I have restless sleep? Nah, I'm still tired form astral traveling to he land of the ancestors. I'm grumpy because I had to stop my revelries and return to this material place that feels so odd to me, after having been in a place that felt too familiar.

Ye Ye O Oshun

So this day is the day that Orisha and Saint Oshun is revered in worship in some households, exclusively. Yesterday I wrote about Yemaya the sister of Ochun. Yemaya represents toe Ocean, the wide and vast sea. Ochun on the other hand represents Rivers, Streams, Springs, waterfalls and any sweet water that is flowing. I write this for her....

According to Yoruba elders, Oshun is the cosmological force of water, moisture and attraction. Oshun is the force of HARMONY, ecstasy, and love.

When I see a parent hold a child, looking into their eyes and feeling that deep connection and attraction. This is Ochun.

When two lovers in their throws of passion feel this under current of magnetism connecting them in body, as well as in spirit, This is Ochun.

When a delicate seed is attracted to moisture or dew drops and slowly but steadily roots and breaks its husk and reaching for the sun it is so connected too, this is Ochun.

The joyous feeling that comes over us once we have accomplished something so laboring. The laughter of a child, innocent and as light as a bubbling brook, the bees buzzing from flower to flower, the appreciation one feels when the warm Spring break Winters gloom and the scent of fragrant flowers and the joy it brings us. This is Ochun.

After tearful situations, and deep depressions at your lowest point.... When you stop and just breath and listen and you hear in the stillness the sound of something fluid, something moving. You find a well of strength. The sweetest water ever tasted, and it springs from you, through you.... It taste of freedom. Its filtered through hard times, sediment, obstacle's as rough as and as stone-like as rock. Yet like the sweet water we flow over it, past it, finding a way to push on flow towards the vast opportunities life has to offer. This is Ochun, in nature, in essence, in us.

Omi OOOOO Yemaya

So today is Yemayas day in accordance to the Santeria community. A Candle is lit a blessing is said to invoke the beautiful presence and the energy of this matron Orisha/Saint.

To those that practice the beautiful tradition of La Regla Ocha/ Lucumi, or for any of those that have this wonderful Orisha on their head or in their lives this ones for you...

Enjoy this day and every day that you think of Motherhood. In fact Everytime you see a woman, young, elderly, brown, white, small, big, man or woman... think of Yemaya.

All people have the potential to be "mothers" be it by actual birth or the birthing of ideas, thoughts, actions, words, songs, art, magic.

Whenever you think of nurturing something, helping to make anything grow be it a child, a plant, an animal, a dream... think of Yemaya. Think of the swell of pride that comes over you when it has or they have grown, like the swell in a pregnant woman's abdomen, or in the swell of the tide. Think of Yemaya.

For single parents who have had to handle the duality of parental duties. Being both the comforter and the disciplinarian, the provider and at times the acceptee. Think of Yemaya.

Think of what it is like to love the world and all its children so much, just as equally. To claim the worlds inhabitants as your own. To know that some have forgot your presence, your help, or your power. You have reached out to them and yet they have been too caught up to listen. Myriads of children like schools of fish in the sea, some you can help and keep close and others you must watch swim away into a vast ocean of Sharks, Killer Whales, Hungry Seals, and the worst MAN. All with the intent on making prey of your children... All you can do is hope that they know what they got, that they know you are their willing to extend a helping hand, a strong and comforting shoulder, an encouraging embrace, a miracle wrapped within a tender kiss.... This is Yemaya.

Being thankful

I am thankful for God, his silence spoke volumes at a time when I thought my prayers werent being answered.

I am thankful to Goddess, her nurturing and encouraging energy mirrored that of God, showing me that divinity has two faces.

I am thankful to Eggun/Ancestors whose shoulders I stand on. Who paved a way for me to conjure, to work, to live, and to exist. Always on time, ready when I need them.

I am thankful to all those that hurt me in my life thus far. The lessons that came with every heart break and tear shed were invaluable and made me so much stronger than I though I could ever be.

I am thankful for the small handful I can truly call friends and family. Those who have come and gone, those I let go and never stopped loving and those I keep close that I love just as much.

I am thankful to be alive, able to write, think, sing, talk, dance, praise, kiss, love, hug, pet, make love, feel, eat, drink, learn and experience.

Each day brings new disappointments but also new joys. I better understand the ebb and flow, the push and pull, the up and down, the ying and yang. Duality bound by unification in my soul, in others and in all creation.

So I laugh.....

I'm drinking some Sangria and feeling very very nice and I start to think...

My mother is my Cosmic Twin as Tim would call her. Two souls meant to exist at the same time always connected no matter the distance, no matter the circumstance. It makes sense I can feel my mother and she can feel me, and we understand each other. Spiritually insightful and extremely intuitive, a two edged axe who has seen many a battle some lost and most won.

My brothers both two free spirited individuals who never related to me and never tried. We share blood, a bond no one can break and no one can deny. Yet we don't know each other and perhaps never really will. I always whish them the best in their life and their endeavors, no bad blood here.

My Sister, my beautiful and wise sister. She is the one who has lived, she has felt an experienced so much and all to turn the experiences around in order to be wise. For wisdom radiates from her pores as does love, and independance. She travels not knowing where she is going, open to experience and to possibility. Always an inspiration. I often wonder if we were cosmic twins, but I know that we arent. We instead are two sides of the same coin.

My Father the Man all men would hope to be. He raises a bar as far as I'm concerned, and always provides an ultimate example of Patience, Love, Knowledge, Wisdom, Hard Work and Perserverance. Not to mention Faith and Hope, he is a father whose love is felt in his actions. He provides and provides for all he calls children, he never sees differences. His responsibilities were just that, his responsibilties. His thoughts, his thoughts.

Tim a brother indeed, his blood might as well just run through my veins for we share so much. Our bond is other wordly and ancient, two souls meant to meet and to share, to work and ot conjure, to sing and to dance, to shout and to praise. Inspiration and drive is this man's energy and his very spirit is understanding and healing. I simply bask in him every moment I can, learning taking him in.

Kare a Soul mate, a wonderful compliment to myself. A kindred spirit to myself in so many ways, someone who can deal with me in my entirety even when most would run screaming, arms flailing. He is in my mind what Eve was to Adam, a compliment, a completion might as well be of my own rib and bone marrow.

I often wonder if God answered my prayers when I was sent these individuals, its been quite a journey and new adventures are on the horizon.

My ancestors, those who came before me and lived and experienced and broke their individual backs to provide us with some opportunity. The ancestors who have made themselves known to me in so many ways, and in effect have shown me things of old that I would have never knew or experienced had it not be for them. Nostalgia that should be somehow misplaced but feels so current and relevent. I long for old ways, discipline, responsibility, reputation, juke joint, drummings, bon fires and invoking of spirit..... Something I am tapping into just now in my 27 years of life. My soul longs for these things and I travel that path head up and eyes forward.

Neema

Warm and delicate

Soft and plush

Pulsing and vibrating with a readiness to receive

Attention, Love, food, open arms, a warm lap

It matters not your comfortability, for one tiny second in her choosing

the earth spins on her axis and revolves around her orbital direction.

She Lays down comfortably in her chosen spot, paws bent back upon themselves blinks slowly and her lips part as if in a smile, as if to say:

"Do you not realize I am from a line of Gods and Goddesses. I was worshipped in Egypt by many names but one in particular Bastet. Protector of the home and pregnant women, the essence of feminine sexuality and pleasure mixed with the wrath that only a woman can feircely summon and execute. I have hunted lifetimes before you, I have stalked the sky and the plains below. Basking in the Sun of my father Ra, and respected by all. You would do well to receive me as I am meant to be received..."

You have no choice but to laugh at her audacity and simply admire and stroke her. She is Neema whose name means "She who is born of wealthy parents."